Wink and a Smile

Karen's coming to town!

Driving to New Orleans tomorrow!

NO COMPUTER until Thursday!

Excited, indeed.

www.toothpastefordinner.com

*To warn you, this post falls into the "complaints and personal inadequacies" section as found in the About section at the bottom of the page. It also falls into the "run-on sentences," "oversharing," "cats," and "rambling internal dialogue" sections. Which brings me to the important question, why on earth are you reading this shit anyway?

I was going to write a cheerful Valentine's post tonight. I LOVE Valentine's Day. I love taking myself out, surprising myself with a gift or event. I love making and doing things for my friends. I even love all the hearts, red, and pink decorations. Having never had a serious relationship, never dropping the "L" word, and no prospects in sight, you'd think I'd hate the holiday. But on the contrary, I truly enjoy it. And am looking forward to taking myself out for a many drink(s) tomorrow night. Yet I haven't had the time I was hoping to really get into it this year. Both a lack of time and mental capacity have left little room in my head for it. I haven't done or made anything for anyone. No cards, no baked goods, nothing fun at all. 

I'm stressed. With the car accident itself, thinking I was going to get my car back, now having to get a new car, not having time to get a new car before going out of town next week, trying to figure out when I'll have time to go get a new car when I get back, paying WAY too much for a rental car, planning out errands, packing, logistics for said trip, figuring out my finances, re-calcaulate them, going over them again, trying (and somewhat failing) to stay caught up at work, receiving a reminder that I have to book my next MRI next month, trying (and failing) to not think about it, researching BRCA-1 shit AGAIN, assessing my finances AGAIN, figuring out how I'm going to pay for said MRI when I haven't finished paying the last one, re-assess my finances AGAIN, circling back to thinking about car stuff, spending hours and hours researching cars when I don't have a check in hand, mentally trying to put everything in order that I have to do. UGH. I irritate myself and my brain.

With all of that running around in my head, I decided to call my parents. I hadn't really talked to them much about the whole thing. One sentence in, my mom starts giving me her "advice" on things that I've already taken care of. Then proceeds to "yell-but-I'm-not-really-yelling" at me, and then I yell, she goes off the handle and I hang up on her. I didn't want her advice. I didn't want help. I just wanted her to listen. I wanted her to hear me out, tell me it's all going to be OK and that it sounds like I have things all figured out. After I had a good cry, calmed down, called her back and said as much, she proceeded to tell me that that will never happen. That that's life and no one ever has everything figured out. And you can try all you want to move forward and then life just gets shitty again.THANKS for the pep-talk, Mom.

It's times like these, especially VDay Eve, after feeling less than awesome about my family, I just wish I had a shoulder. Not a "boyfriend." That word itself kind of terrifies me. I don't NEED a man. But sometimes it would be nice to just have someone to hang out with, watch a shitty Netflix movie, drink a shot or two of banana liqueur (sadly the only alcohol in my apartment), wrap me up and tell me that everything is going to be OK. That next month I won't find out I have cancer, I'll have a new car, and a grand in savings (I'm so close!). That I have things figured out and am in the right direction, even if it all feels shitty and overwhelming.

And then proceed to makeout with me while watching aforementioned Netflix movie. Hey, if I'm going to bother imagining, might's well make the thoughts worth it right?

Instead, I'm going to go clean up the cat vomit that was projected onto the kitchen floor as I've been typing, take a hot shower, pour myself a terrible shot of banana liqueur, and read a book while I watch some MadMen. I WILL NOT re-assess my finances for the bajillionth time. I WILL NOT spend the next two hours looking at cars. I WILL NOT pull out my BRCA-1 paperwork for the 5th time. I WILL NOT vacuum (God, I really should do that though). And I WILL NOT have another mini pity party.

Tomorrow night I will surprise myself by taking myself out somewhere to dinner that I've yet to decide on, in my overpriced rental car (which drives pretty nice I might add), and perhaps buy myself an inexpensive present. I will LOVE THE SHIT out of Valentine's Day. It will be glorious.

Now where'd I put my cat? It's cold in here and I need to cuddle. 

I hate myself when I'm stressed out. Can't I just go five minutes without losing something (read: ID)? Especially when I need it? As in right now. nnnnnnnnnnnngh. fuck.

Lent, also known as Quaresma (who knew?), is coming up on the 22nd. I've been practicing Lent the last 6 or so years now, despite not having a staunchly religious upbringing. I was baptized Catholic, but didn't go to church until I was about 14. I went on a mission trip at 15, but didn't join a church until my 20s at my mother's tantrum-filled insistence, after a number of heated arguments. And while I'm currently in a stage of re-evaluation as far as my beliefs go, I still plan on practicing Lent.

While the history is steeped in Catholic tradition and chock full of Jesus, I find the practice itself to be beneficial and somewhat meditational. It's a time for reflection and becoming self-aware. In avoiding temptation one is forced to think about every action. If you're one to pray or are in any way spiritual, it's a great way to feel closer to God as every time you resist (or cave) to temptation it's one more mental nod to the man, or woman, upstairs. And if you're feeling a little less spiritual (as I've been the last few months or so), it's a great way to build up stores of willpower and lean on inner strength. Not to mention becoming more mindful of one's thoughts, actions, needs, and wants.

In the past I've given up chocolate one year, sugar one year, all forms of junk food another year, and meat yet another (worst and hardest Lent ever) year. One year I tried to wake up every morning at 6:30. Some years I've made it through and others I've crumbled at the sight of a Girl Scout cookie. Last year I switched it up and made myself run a mile for every day, 40 miles in 40 days. Adding something in rather than removing something else. I made it almost to 30 miles, which I found impressive. Regardless of the option, I try and pick something that I would find tremendously challenging. 

With it being that time of year again I've been trying to decide what I want to give up or add in. I've thought of things as simple as coffee, as challenging as going vegan, something different to my daily routine like meditating or doing yoga everyday. As difficult to remember to do as drinking the full amount of water daily or something good for the environment like making sure I recycle EVERYTHING that is completely recyclable. The point I feel is to give up/ad something that is generally healthy and beneficial to my life, but something I balk at doing and find easy to neglect.

Initially I wanted to shy away from giving up something food related. I find I'm least successful at doing so and am not always sure that the benefits are great. Not eating meat, but eating more soy for instance, would be more harmful than healthy. But my eschewing of food-related challenges fell to the side when I talked to my sister, Morgan.

Morgan found out she has a marker for celiac disease in her blood. She goes for official tests on Valentine's Day (sad), but it's essentially certain that she's going to have to give up gluten. If you know my sister, you'd know she's the biggest carboholic in the universe. She rarely eats vegetables, doesn't prefer meat and can eat an entire loaf of bread, box of cookies, plate of pasta without batting an eye. Daily. She's having a rough time of the news, and the fact that she isn't a huge fan of cooking isn't making her any more excited about things.

So I'm giving up gluten. It's going to suck. I know this. I enjoy beer. And pasta. And cookies. And healthy grains like barley. But the fact that I DO cook on the regular, and am good at making up recipes, I feel I could come up with quick and easy meals my sister can rely on and know she'll like. Perhaps a batch of cookies or two that I can send her way. I think giving up gluten for Lent will do more for my sister's health than it will my own, yet am hoping I may get something out of it too. So here goes nothing!

*Disclaimer: I generally think giving up gluten without any medical need is silly and nonsensical and mostly a fad. I also don't think it's healthier. Just as I don't think being vegan and eating fake cheese or soy-based "chicken" products is healthier than eating actual meat and dairy. I'm doing this for my sister in solidarity. And you can bet your bottom I'll be eating a dozen cookies and the biggest beer I can find come Easter Sunday.

My sister gave my number to some random dude in NYC on New Years. He seemed nice the first few texts, then got creepy. And creepier. I've ignored all his texts til now. And now it's time to block him. Really dude? Think I may have to be out of town in April. Just in case.

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I LOVE Valentine's Day (dedicated post coming soon) AND I LOVE Field Notes notebooks. So what could be more exciting to see in my inbox than an email from Field Notes saying they've added a new line of notebooks. A RED line of notebooks. And you know red is my favorite color. And the video is super adorable. I'm not buying a set as of yet since I still have a pack of their Firespotter edition, but once I'm in need of some more I'll be ordering these fer shur.

Field Notes: Red Blooded from Coudal Partners on Vimeo.

I think I have to try giving up coffee again. I've done it a few times for a few weeks here and there. I can't say I enjoy it, but I've gotten myself into a terrible cycle. I have been working on side projects and learning new things, resulting in several late nights. By the time I even go to bed, I'm not sleeping. 8:30 rolls around and I'm barely rolling out of bed. Which then leads to a few cups of morning coffee and a cup in the afternoon. And then the cycle starts all over.

While I'm beyond loving my late-night bursts of energy, daytime is miserable. Misery from 9-5 is not an option. Not when I'm calling clients, emailing, designing. Being on my game in the evenings is fun, but that energy is needed during the day. So here goes nothing. My last coffee (granted a delicious latté with an extra shot of espresso --see what I mean?) was at lunch. 

What's the caffeinated version of a "nic-fit"? 

I don't think this is what my sister had in mind when she said I need to get out more. I also think upon seeing this she'll stop wondering why I'm single. But hey, brain activity beats cat pictures, right? RIGHT?!

I think Sunday looks like a perfect day to find a mountain somewhere. The real question is where do I want to hike? Do I find somewhere new or pick an old favorite? Definitely want something in the 8+ mile range. Want to make a day of it.

Also, when is this Daylight Savings nonsense over with? I want my evening sunshine back.